I need to have my reaction

I am tired.

More than tired...exhausted. A really deep kind of exhaustion that cuts to the core. Can your spirit be tired? I think mine is. If there were more adjectives to describe tired, I'd use them.

My body is tired. I've had this cold/cough that I cannot shake. I got it last Christmas and it returns every 6 weeks or so without fail. I had it a few weeks go. It's back. A friend on facebook today said "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired". I wish I could like that status 1,000 times because I know exactly what he means. This morning I woke after 8 hours of solid sleep and could barely open my eyes. That CAN'T be good.

My emotions are tired. Tired of breaking down and then having to muster up the strength to restart themselves. But I suppose breaking down and starting again is what builds character and empathy. Or at least humor me and tell me it is.

I'm tired of waiting, thinking, wishing, hoping. Why is that so tiring? I wish it weren't tiring. I wish it were like working out and burning calories because then I could eat WHATEVER I wanted and still be really skinny.

I'm not even making sense - that's how tired I am.

One last thing I'm tired of is the notion that I can not, should not, have such reactions to my life. I shouldn't be tired, I should be happy. That doesn't seem fair. It's like asking someone to run a marathon and then telling them not to be thirsty or sit down at the end because your legs just shouldn't be hurting.

Any of you Modern Family fans out there will recall last night's episode when Cam says to Mitchell: "I need to have my reaction" and then slumps to the floor and pouts. He's right really. We all need to be allowed to have our reactions to feel what's good and what's bad and all the in between. Unless we feel, we cannot heal.

I suppose it's time to watch this video again...for the millionth time. Thankfully it's a good one.