Out in the open

So...I've been thinking about this post long and hard. Should I or shouldn't I? My thoughts led me to conclude that this is a blog about my life and it's mostly for me and my posterity...(and you few readers out there). So, I am bearing all. Here goes...

I have a good life. But for the last year and a half, my good life has presented a challenge. Stuart and I would like to start our family. It's something we've wanted very badly for quite a while now. And it was a rude awakening when we realized that this was not something that was in our control (like we had naively assumed it would be).

Rather, for the past year and a half each month has ended in disappointment and often tears. I spent the first six months optimistic. After about 9 months, I became more and more distraught. Finally, I decided we had to get help. I arranged an appointment with an OBGYN for my regular physical and figured it was a perfect opportunity to begin seeking help. When I met with the doctor, I began relaying our struggles. I broke down in tears in front of a lady I've never even met before. Luckily, she was understanding and gave me a hug.

We proceeded with more formal tests and after hearing some dismal results she referred us to a fertility specialist. Our first meeting with the fertility doctor was in April.

After 11 months of frustration, I finally felt hopeful. We were going to figure this out and everything would be okay! And yet...here I am, September, and still no good news to share.

The road of infertility is long and stressful. It's a painful waiting game and it effects your life on many different levels. It's the worst kind of emotional roller coaster there is. We've cried and prayed a lot.

I've given myself shots. I've spent hours in doctor's office. I've spent a lot of money. I've been prodded and poked and the most intimate part of my relationship with my husband has been invaded by doctors, calendars, and synthetic hormones. (For a somewhat humorous and slightly crass--sorry--but pathetically true depiction of what it's like, read this article I came across recently)

And yet, while we're not out of the clearing I am writing this post because I've reached peace with this situation. I've come to accept this challenge and I've even come to appreciate the lessons Stuart and I have learned as a result (there are many). Life isn't fair and there is no reason to explain why we face the challenges we do. But regardless, I believe there is wisdom in the Lord's timing. Truly, I do.

As of now, we are preparing to undergo In vitro fertilization. IVF seemed so horrible 6 months ago. It seemed like the worst possible scenario. After where we've been, I'm looking at it through a new perspective. Yes, it's criminally expensive; yes, it's invasive; and yes, I wish it would be different for us. But it's not. We are facing reality and we are taking it in stride. I am grateful for science and grateful for the opportunities that are available to us in this time. I have hope that should we take this next step, we will be successful. But more importantly, I have faith that no matter the outcome, it will work out. It always always does.

I didn't write this post for sympathy. We are blessed with wonderful, caring family and friends who have been and will continue to be such a wonderful support system. One of the reasons I DID share this news in such a public forum rather, is to lend support. Having been there, and being here now, I know that for others in my situation, it's a lonely road. It's a challenge that doesn't seem quite appropriate to share with others and you don't walk around telling people about it. I'm constantly on the lookout for someone I can talk to who is my age and who is going through this now. So, if you are out there and feel the same way, let me know. I can lend some comfort and support and we can compare notes. Shoot me an e-mail: brittneymaxfield@gmail.com.

Thanks friends. Now you know. And also know, that I will be okay. Life is good.