Baby steps

Lately, we've been chasing our CRAWLING baby (who also has TWO teeth)! Grayson is on the move and while it's adorably cute and a really fun stage, a little bit of my heart aches knowing he is growing up so fast. Here's a little look into the fun (and yes, he is fascinated by every random electronic device in our house, why do we buy toys?). 

I was reminded today that people still read my blog and I felt a renewed sense of purpose in sharing some new thoughts and happenings in my world related to infertility. It's been such a welcome break these past 7 months to not think of myself as infertile, but to just enjoy motherhood. And yet, the trial remains very real. 

As we speak, my sister, Camille, is in the middle of the dreaded 2 week wait from her second IVF procedure. When I first became "infertile", I remember the mixed feelings I had thinking about the fact that my sister, who was newly married, could have a baby at any time. I remember thinking how very difficult it would be if my younger sister announced she was pregnant while I wasn't. I also remember realizing that I couldn't hold her back. One day, I let her know that it would be okay with me if she wanted to have a baby. The last thing I wanted was for her to feel badly for wanting to start her family just because of my trial. She thanked me for saying that, admitting she was worried how I would react if it came to that. It was a nice sister moment. I realized long ago, during the heartache of waiting for a baby, that I couldn't be upset for others who were much luckier than me. In fact, I realized infertility was so hard, I really wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. So, I decided to try my best to be truly happy and encouraging to those around me to pursue motherhood in the same way I was. Thankfully, I generally was very happy for people and didn't experience too much bitterness - which is understandably common among infertile girls.

At the time, we didn't know whether or not my sister would experience infertility. I really didn't think she would. My fertility issues were not proving to be the hereditary kind that she would be prone to and so I imagined things would be smooth for her and her husband. Silly me.

Sure enough, about 2 years ago, she started on her journey to have a baby (for infertile women, it really is a journey). Here we are today. Still no baby. She doesn't have the same problems I do, in fact, to date she is still classified as "unexplained" and that is a frustrating diagnosis. We just don't know why she is also being asked to walk this difficult path. As I've mentioned in past posts, it makes no senses - infertility is nonsense.

One thing that is hereditary, is our drive to take action (also known as impatience perhaps?). She was quick on the ball and started seeing specialists. She did several rounds of clomid and artificial insemination with no luck. This December, she took the plunge and did IVF. The procedure started off great but quickly took a turn for the worse when she had a burst ovarian cyst 3 days into her 2 week wait. On Christmas morning, she woke up to bleeding which was a bad sign considering her pregnancy test was still a few days off. Sure enough, she got a negative result a few days later.

It was heartbreaking and familiar news for our family. I was surprised at how much I was affected by her negative result. All the emotions of infertility and all the memories of the negative IVF results I too experienced came rushing back. It was like ripping off the Bandaid I have had over my heart and emotions for the past 7 months and realizing what I really am: *still* infertile. I can't escape it. And neither can she. We cried and I helped her to take it one day at a time and look forward to the next step. (I learned having a plan is the only way to get through a devastating event).

Luckily, she had two frozen embryos and was able to work towards a frozen embryo transfer which she did this past week. So now, we wait again. We are all crossing our fingers and toes. We look at my sweet Grayson and ask him where his little Lewis cousins are and when they will join us. The wait is tough - especially on her and Russ.

I'm hopeful we will get good news in a week or so, but if I may, I'd ask you to say a little prayer for Camille and Russ. Prayer has been a powerful antidote to infertility and we could use the help.

Camille is strong and she is handling the trial as well as can be expected - learning and growing in ways that she will one day appreciate. I can see changes in her and I am proud of what she is gaining, despite the losses.

Another example of strength and patience in this all too common trial is my friend Tiffany. Tiffany and her husband, Walt, have endured the long process of preparing their home and marriage for adoption and are now ready to welcome their baby home. Tiffany has a rare condition in which she is missing her eggs (read her full story here). She has known for many years that she would not bare her children but would have to welcome them in other ways. Adoption is truly a miracle. I am so excited to see Tiffany's family grow and know she will be such a wonderful mother after such a long, lonely, and difficult trial that she has born beautifully. I can't imagine. If you have any connections that might help Tiffany and Walt, please email me at brittneymaxfield@gmail.com.

While I watch these two girls, and even more sisters and friends, go through such a hard thing, I am also reminded of miracles that do occur. Grayson is mine. Another good friend texted me today that the best thing about her ultrasound was hearing the heartbeat. After a miscarriage several years ago, followed by years of waiting and additional health challenges, she is expecting a baby this August. It happens. Miracles happen. Please don't give up.