Why?

"Why?" is the most difficult question in the world because the answer is completely unsatisfying to the questioner in the very moment when he or she needs to understand it the most.

I have asked that question so many times. Why infertility? Why airplane crashes? Why brain cancer? Why disability? Why unconquerable trials?

That one word alone, has caused more frustration for me in the past few years than anything else. And yet, only recently, am I stumbling on some answers.

I can almost confidently say, that in the past month, I have come to be grateful for the trial of infertility. The other day, I sat in church and something really interesting happened. The only way I can describe it is that I felt a transformation inside of me. I felt myself literally changing into someone new and hopefully better. Let's just put it this way, my thoughts shifted from "Why me?" to "How can I help her? What can I do to relieve their pain?"

I cried for people who I knew were experiencing tragedies and sorrow. I could feel the gravity of their pain and I desperately wanted to find ways to relieve it because I now know what that kind of sadness feels like.

A friend commented on my blog that from trials, we can learn compassion. I feel like I am not just learning compassion, I am earning it. I am paying a price to gain something I know can help me better serve others - better than I could have done without the experience.

I finished reading Jane Eyre last week. I absolutely loved the book. The end is a really beautiful example of this very principle:

"Jane! you think me, I daresay, an irreligious dog; but my heart swells with gratitude to the beneficient God of this earth just now. He sees me not as a man sees, but far clearer; judges not as a man judges, but far more wisely... Divine justice pursued its course; disasters came thick on me: I was forced to pass through the valley of the shadow of death. Of late, Jane - only of late - I began to see and acknowledge the hand of God in my doom. I began to experience remorse, repentance, the wish for reconcilement to my Maker. I began sometimes to pray; very brief prayers they were, but very sincere... I Thank my Maker, that, in the midst of judgment, He has remembered mercy. I humbly entreat my Redeemer to give me strength to lead henceforth a purer life than I have done hitherto!"

Mr. Rochester's trial was undoubtedly tragic, and yet, what it caused him to become and what quality of life it led to, were far better than he could have imagined or even attempted to create on his own.

In times of sorrow and confusion, I'm learning that we must do our best to trust in the Lord to lead us through our respective "valleys" in order to reap the reward we otherwise would not have achieved.

I hope this thought can carry us through this weekend as my family honors and says goodbye to our dear Aunt Lisa. She passed away last Friday after a long battle with brain cancer and no human being is as deserving of a celestial reward as Lisa. The loss of her spirit on this earth is painful. Truly, the world has lost one of the noble and great spirits.

I want her family - Jerry, Megan and Sean, Melissa, Nate, and McKayla - to know that I admire each and every step they are taking through this present valley to eventually become people the Lord is shaping them to be. I wish, for their sake, there could be an easier way. And yet, they have lived up to every challenge with grace and faith and with Lisa - and all of us - on their side, I can only imagine the force for good they each will become.

Perhaps a consolation to not having the immediate answer to "Why?" is trusting the experience will lead us to somewhere we could not have imagined or created on our own.