I believe in miracles

When people don't post on their blog, I think that it's not because there is a lack of excitement in their life, but rather because there is just too much going on to share.

That has been the case with me and I'm sorry for disappearing.

I just made some updates to this timeline (scroll to the bottom for the latest news).

Today, the day after finding out some very unfortunate, and honestly, very sad news, I am discouraged but at peace.

I had so hoped to share a different post with you. I was planning it all out in my head about how I had been the recipient of some genuine miracles and about how that led to the making of a dream come true. While yesterday's news doesn't negate any of the miracles I received the past 6 months, it does make them a bit more confusing. As I can't sleep and feel a little overwhelmed with my thoughts, I decided I wanted to share this with you anyway.

After my failed IVF in December, I was devastated. I cried more than I ever have in my life. And yet, a few weeks later, I received my first miracle.

An anonymous friend gave me a check for $9,000. It's true.

Can you believe what that money meant to me? It meant I was able to move forward. It gave me hope that my journey was not over. It was an answer to some really heartfelt prayers and I was completely overwhelmed by the generosity and kindness of good people around me. The Lord has a way of showing us he's there just when we feel the most broken. This was a powerful and poignant indication of the Lord's love for us and we were so grateful.

Because of the money, we chose to proceed with a second attempt and decided to keep it very "low key." I chose to not share it publicly at the time and that helped to just destress and move forward. The cycle was very different from the first and I figured that must be a good sign. Everything progressed well and both Stu and I had strong confirmations that things would be "okay." He felt that "it was time."

The day I was to find out the result of the IVF procedure I couldn't sleep. I woke up really early and decided that I did not want to be caught off guard like the first time so I took a home pregnancy test. It came back negative and devastation quickly set in.

Undeterred, Stuart drove me to the blood lab sobbing. He knew deep down that everything would work - he trusted his feelings of confirmation and told me it was going to be fine. I looked at him and said, "right now, we need a miracle. We don't even deserve a miracle."

We pulled over the car and said a prayer. Literally asking for that miracle that we knew we needed. The next 2 hours were agonizing as we waited to hear the results of the blood test. When they came back positive, once again, I thought, "the Lord works in strange ways." I had received yet another miracle.

The next few blood tests went fabulously and I breathed a sigh of relief for the first time in 3 years. I remember having the thought that I wasn't sure what life would be like without the heavy burden of infertility lifted from my shoulders. I enjoyed a few blissful weeks of dreaming and imagining what this little baby would be like. The one we had waited so long to meet. Stuart was giddy. It was a nice time. But short-lived.

After our first Ultrasound last Monday, things seemed strange. The baby measured 4 days behind and the heartbeat was faint. We saw it, but couldn't hear it. The next day, my IVF nurse told me we had a 50/50 chance of miscarriage. It was difficult news, but I thought about the past 6 months and the blessings and miracles we had witnessed. Surely, those would not be in vain. Surely, we would overcome the odds this time.

Despite much prayer and positivity, it wasn't meant to be. Yesterday's ultrasound showed no improvement and no heartbeat. I will have a D&C next Monday.

This time, I'm not devastated. Honestly, I'm numb. I'm trying to make sense of things and that is a fruitless effort.

What I'm realizing as I write this is that each time the Lord has closed the door, miracles have ensued and windows have opened. I sort of feel like the door has slammed in my face this time, but I'm very curious to see what miracle we'll be part of now. I know it will come.

Everything will come in time.