2WW

Waiting is HARD!

The last 11 days have been a bit torturous. I'd even venture to say they may be the worst part of this entire procedure. The thing is, I knew this going in and I've been dreading it for months.

If you've ever visited an infertility forum online you see all these funny shorthand phrases for things. The 2WW is always a popular topic (two week wait). The time between when you ovulate and when you're supposed to get your period. I guess at this point, if I count them, I've endured around 32 2WWs. Each one was hard. However, after the first year or so, before I reached peace with life and I was particularly fragile, the 2WW almost did me in every time. Each time I'd get my period, I'd have a mini (sometimes mega) breakdown which included tears in my office, if at work, or sobbing into my pillow, if at home.

After making peace, I just stopped counting and that's honestly why life got easier.

One of the reasons why I think I subliminally put off IVF for awhile is because I just didn't want to open that door. I didn't want to let myself on the 2WW roller coaster anymore. I knew, going into this, IVF would not only give me permission to hope, but also to have more reason than ever to believe it would actually work.

So...it's been hard. The worst kind of mind game I can think of. (on a related note: you know how people tell you not to stress out? "Oh Brittney, as soon as you stop stressing, you'll just get pregnant." Well those people have no idea what they're talking about and should just bite their tongues. How do you stop stressing about the fact that you're stressing out? Do you see what I mean? NOT HELPFUL.)

The first week was okay - I just tried to keep busy. I got pretty sick last Friday with a lot of nausea and flu-like symptoms - which I thought could be a good sign. However, I took my temperature nearly every 15 minutes afraid it would spike and that would be bad news for the little embryos. Luckily it didn't and I was able to rest it off over the weekend. I think it was my system getting used to these hormones I've been taking. Since then I've felt better, tired and a bit nauseous, but fine.

It's hard because I can't really interpret any symptoms as anything. I'm taking progesterone and estrogen so any sort of "morning sickness" i feel may or may not be related to pregnancy. Also, as I've neared the traditional start date of my period, I've been so tense. I've interpreted every little cramp, twinge, pain as a bad sign. The past few days, I have to brace myself every time I go to the bathroom just in case... It's just the worst.

And emotionally, I've been a bit of a wreck (again, poor Stuart).

I take my official pregnancy test on Monday and I'm just ready to have the news. I need to know...good or bad. I'll be okay either way, I just hate the 2WW and the uncertainty it brings and the dirty tricks it plays on you. Girls who've been in my shoes...you know what I mean. Can I get an "Amen!" (and digital hug?)

3 more days...and counting.