The one you've been waiting for

Dear readers,

I know you're tired of hearing about my trip I took 6 months ago. But now I can cross "blog about my trip" off my list (yes, I'm one of those people).

Now, I will indulge you in the update you've really been waiting for.

Last September, I divulged the secret of our infertility challenges. I think I posted one or two times about it and then nothing...it was the ultimate cliff hanger I suppose. Sorry to keep you guessing.

Well, here we are, November 2010. That's one year and one month later. That my friends, is the story of infertility. Waiting.

This past year has actually been great. While I can't say I love this challenge, I can say we have become friends. Infertility and I live together in peace. I've accepted it, and it has been emotionally kind to me. Like I shared with you in my post last year, I realized I just needed to stop being sad. So I did. And life has been good.

I was reading through my journal this morning and came across an entry I wrote in March 2009 - in the throes of my infertility roller coaster. It was nice, actually, to read that entry with the perspective of the last year on my side. When I wrote it, I was trying so hard to sound brave. My heart actually ached for my old self - it was a weird - like I've distanced myself from that heartbroken person so much that I don't empathize - I sympathize.

My journal entry talked about a blessing I received from Stuart during that time that seemed to provide some relief - if not temporarily. The blessing is awesome, because it basically just tells me to chill out. Ha ha. I think I really needed to hear that at that time. Of course, it was put more eloquently than that, but how often do we just work ourselves into a panic? I was doing that big time and I really needed to just relax.

I was told that my petitions (they were no longer prayers, but petitions) to the Lord had been heard. I was told the Lord had a plan for me and would lay out that plan piece by piece before me. I was told I would have a family and that I needed to relax and carry on my responsibilities and not stress out because essentially, it was in the Lord's hands.

So, that was in March - it took 7 months for me to actually wake up and listen, but I did. And like I've said, life mellowed out.

In my journal, I talked about how grateful I was to finally be getting treatment and a diagnosis. Little did I know that getting treatment doesn't necessarily mean finding a solution. It did mean trying various attempts at solutions with no results. But one thing always leads to another and I suppose it was those attempts that got me to my current place - which is a good place.

Interesting to look back on the past year and some months and see that the Lord really has been laying out my path piece-by-piece. Funny how we always take credit for things, when nothing is in our hands.

So, just to update you on exactly what has happened during this infertility challenge, I present...

The Maxfield Infertility Timeline

May 2008: Go off birth control
August 2008: First time I think, "maybe this isn't working."
November 2008: First time I really lose it and start to panic.
February 2009: Make my first appointment with an OBGYN. She conducts hormone tests on me, sperm tests on Stuart. Results show I appear to be functioning normally, but low sperm motility for Stuart. She interprets those results to be bad and basically tells us we have very little chances of ever having children on our own. Our world crumbles.
March 2009: First visit to the fertility "specialist" who talks to us with no emotion and like we're in kindergarten. She explains how getting pregnant should actually work. Thanks for the lesson and here's your $250 for being so nice.
April - May 2009: I undergo tests and more tests including getting dye shot through my fallopian tubes, balloons blown up in my uterus (ouch), blood tests, calendering, etc... Good times. Many many dollars spent.
May 2009: Start timed intercourse treatments which involve taking clomed to stimulate the ovaries, estrogen and progesterone to prepare the uterus, and a shot of some other drug to stimulate ovulation. This process requires weekly ultrasounds until it all looks "good" and the doctor tells you to hurry home and "make a baby." No babies ever came. Flush around $400 in medications and ultrasound fees down the drain.
June 2009: Another timed intercourse session. Minus another $400.
July 2009: And yet another. Down $400.
August 2009: Start giving myself shots in preparation for intrauterine insemination (artificial insemination).
August 11 2009: Undergo IUI on my birthday. I gave myself the gift of the most awkward $800 doctor appointment you'll ever have.
August 2009: Immediately get sick following my IUI - know pretty much right away it didn't work because I feel like crap - in not a good, morning sickness kind of way.
September 2009: Try to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. Yeast infection? Urinary track infection? Infection in my uterus? Turns out they think I had a cyst that ruptured because their is an unusually large amount of fluid in my abdominal cavity that causes all sorts of pain and discomfort for the next month.
October 2009: Decide we pretty much will have to do In Vitro Fertilization if we want to have kids. Our clinic tells us if we "sign up now" for IVF we'll get a $3,000 discount!? So turns out babies go on sell. This news causes stress because we wonder if we're ready? Do we want this? That's sure a lot of money - we need to ACT NOW?!? We're going nuts and realize that Stu and I are not on the same page. Major problem. So I consent that if we're going to have kids, he should probably want them as much as me and we tentatively decide January 2010 will be the time. That's because the clinic says they'll honor the deal and give us $1,500 off. Thanks guys.
January 2010: Comes and goes. Doctor never calls me. I don't call them. I decide May 2010 is the time, after Stu returns from a 2-month tour (which makes him sleep easier at night).
March 2010: On a long run, I start to thinking about work, life, everything. I change my plans. September 2010 will be better.
July 2010: Since my first doctor never cared about me and didn't call me back, I ditched them. P.S. I never saw the actual doctor after our first appointment - only the Nurse Practitioner, who was nice, but also did get me sick that one time... So, I began the process of finding a new doctor.
August 2010: Found a new doctor. Had to pay $250 for another consultation where he tells us similar things to what we've already heard. I wish I had his $500/hour job. But luckily he's very nice, very respected, and treats us like we're 27 and not 7.
September 2010: New clinic asks us to run more tests - some duplicates of ones we've already done, but they need their own. We spend $1,100 on more blood work and sperm tests.
October 2010: We find out that Stu's sperm are normal! Happy day? Or is it? We're confused and officially "unexplained." Awesome.
November 2010: Start birth control to time our IVF perfectly. Schedule IVF for December 4-7 of 2010. Spend $3,000 on medication. Lame, but necessary.

***UPDATED June 2011***
December 2010: IVF #1 resulted in failed pregnancy.

May 2011: IVF #2 resulted in positive pregnancy.

June 10 2011: Miscarry at 7 weeks.
***UPDATED August 2012***
October 2012: IVF #3
July 15 2012: Grayson Stuart Maxfield is born!!

Perhaps TMI for some people, but I'm not one to mask the truth. So, there you have it. The good, bad, and ugly.

What we've been through has been emotionally and physically hard and expensive. We chose this route I suppose, and there are many other options to choose from. Just this past week, I went to go see an acupuncturist who told me he's cured 99% of the infertile couples he's seen in his office with homeopathic medicine. I wanted to throw something at him. That's one option I suppose, but I'm too far down the other path to care at this point. (Stu did bring up a good point though. He said that he didn't think even Jesus' apostles would ever claim those odds: "we cured all but one." If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is).

Last summer stunk because it was a summer of trial and failure. We were emotionally spent. This past year, we've recovered and are looking forward to December with excitement and faith. Our families have been so wonderful and supportive. They are even helping to cushion the IVF bill a bit - which is basically a God-send. (THANK YOU MOMS AND DADS!)

I think each one of those thoughts and impressions I had along the way really was the Lord laying out my path piece-by-piece. I have a new doctor I really like, I have a new plan that works with the current state of our life, Stuart and I are completely on the same page which feels so good, and I have a new confidence and sense of emotional stability to handle both the good and bad outcomes. I'm really hoping for the good - really really a lot. But I also have faith that this is in the Lord's hands. It will all work out.

I'll blog about this process regularly for those of you who are interested. I have met so many people in the past 2 years who have struggled just like me. We have bonded. These posts are just as much for you as me, and those yet to come. It's so much easier to be honest and open. My life has literally changed in the past year and half by sharing my struggles with others and accepting their support. This is new for me. Those who know me, know I'm usually a closed book. Opening up has meant healing - from the inside out.

I order my medications next week and start my injections and medications November 17.

Stay tuned...