Woman gets pregnant — while pregnant
SIDE NOTE: I promise not to turn this blog into an infertility diary because I realize how utterly dull that would be. However, even I've found it comforting to reread my earlier posts because folks...my confidence and good attitude comes and goes. (Good thing I wrote it down) So please indulge me one more time.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel at peace with my "infertility." I now carry that label around without shame - I even talked about it yesterday with two old ladies I visit teach, something I would not have done months ago. Unfortunately, that peace has not yet transitioned to how I feel about my future. I'm not feeling at peace about WHAT I should do now.
Where to go from here seemed clear two weeks ago, but it's growing fuzzy again. I know I want a baby, but I'm not sure how to get there. While in vitro is still our plan of action, when to act on that HUGE decision is unclear. So many things run through my mind about taking time to save more money, being better prepared, securing a career, etc...
I'm sure those with kids would say to me, "there's never a perfect time," and I know prophets have counciled to never put off a family. But that is not what we're doing. Essentially Heavenly Father has put this decision back into our hands. We actually do have the luxury (if you could call it that) to plan for a more perfect time. But should we?
A friend in my situation recently e-mailed me about the pain of planning. One of the hardest things about infertility is how rudely it disrupts all of your plans. At first, you spend a lot of time trying to cope with a new plan: not getting pregnant. Then eventually, you throw any and all plans out the window which then just becomes chaos.
In vitro however, is a new plan and now I feel like i'm back to square one. I feel just as scared and nervous and unsure as I did 18 months ago when I decided to stop taking birth control. I've regressed. And that's frustrating.
Two weeks ago I had caught a glimpse of my future, and now, I can't see two feet in front of me. Does this happen to anyone else?
If anyone has any advice, please share, because as of today...I'm stumped...and tired.
IF ONLY...
You asked...and so I say GO FOR IT...do the IVF...Today! You felt so good about it before...and then good old satan puts despair, more discouragement and of course DOUBTS about everything into your mind, including doubts about your self.(I secretly hate him) You are an amazing women... I have always respected and adored you. You have done everything humanly possible..so now its time to "walk to the edge of the light and then a few steps into the darkness." Good Luck sweetheart~
ReplyDeleteLove you~Sheri
We've sort of realized that (cliche) there's never, ever a perfect time. Either in your own life (within your control) or in the general time table of the Lord (totally out of our control). Anyway. I came to the conclusion a while ago that I've spent far too much time trying to make everything perfect, trying to be READY to raise a child, a toddler, a teenager! I'll never, ever be ready, especially for all of it, let alone an infant. I'm too OCD to feel absolutely confident about what I should do, & like Sheri said - taking a step into the dark is a pretty good idea sometimes. And now - it's totally out of my control. :) Anyway. I realize we're all different. And I'm not particular profound or insightful, but I like what Sheri said. Remember the good feelings that you've had, & don't let the discouragement invade. I know lots of people who have had great success with IVF, although it can obviously be a taxing process. Whatever you decide, hang in there & lots of luck.
ReplyDeletexo