So...

I am sorry to use my blog for the sole purpose of sharing discouraging news. Don't be mistaken. My life is really great, but I only feel really inspired to blog when I experience something--like really experience it. I suppose those who read my blog get insight into those experiences when maybe they should be private. I just hope that some day, I'll be able to share a really positive experience with you to balance it out.

ANYWAY.

The past few weeks have been hard but I'm alive to tell the tale so you know it hasn't been THAT bad right? I sort of toggle back and forth between feeling hopeful and hopeless. I often wonder about people I know and/or admire and think "what would they do in my situation? Given the same circumstances, the sames speeches by doctors and everyone else with a story, and the same odds, what would they do?"

I've realized over the past few weeks that everyone has different thresholds. One nurse at the hospital before my D&C said her daughter did a few IUIs (artificial insemination) and couldn't take the emotional roller coaster so she adopted. Not that I don't understand the burden of that emotional roller coaster (because, hello, I do) but I thought, "man, she's kind of a wimp." Ha ha. But that's okay. She adopted a beautiful little girl and she is happy and I am truly happy that she is happy. Turning the tables, I read and hear about women who go through 6, 7, and 8 rounds of IVF just to get their miracle baby (bless these women). Could I go through all that? If the answer was no, they'd probably look at me and think, "what a wimp."

I've just come to realize that the most important thing is doing what you feel is right and what will make you happy in the long run. There are so many paths to happiness.

I'm trying to figure out what my path to happiness is right now. I've been sort of hit over the head with a very clear answer that I am supposed to adopt. It was something we'd always considered and wanted to do, but the timing didn't seem right. I now know that it's time (maybe I'll tell you the story later). And I'm happy about the prospects. What a blessing.

And yet, I'm not ready to give up on my dream of conceiving children. I just feel like it's in the cards for me and until someone looks me in the eye and says, "you'll never be able to have children," I think I'm stubborn enough to just keep trying.

What's actually the most discouraging story of all, is that my doctor told me today that early-term miscarriages happen every 1 in 10 pregnancies. While there is certainly some completely unknown issues with our ability to produce healthy embryos, the miscarriage had nothing to do with IVF or infertility or anything. In his professional opinion, we are just one of the unlucky 10%. He also said this about the first failed IVF - we were just in the unlucky 50%. Basically I've learned I'm the most unlucky person on earth. Either that, or I need major tragedies to teach me lessons like the one I just shared above.

You learn a lot about yourself in really hard trials. I've learned that while I'm not invincible, I'm a pretty strong person. It hasn't been easy and I've shed a lot of tears and maybe punched a few pillows, but I think I can pick myself up from this trial and put one step in front of the other.

What else can you do?