Mothers Day Reality

Let me take a small diversion from my Fictionist-mania to share some recent thoughts. I've not quite known what to say about infertility these past few months. I've spent a lot of time healing, thinking, planning, plotting, and moving forward. I made it through the rough times and good times are ahead.

Mother's Day was Sunday and I may or may not have cried when Stuart wished me a happy Mother's Day.

That is a hard day for the infertile. Very bittersweet. While you want to pay homage to the fabulous mother(s) who taught you everything you know, you can't help but think of that title and know, it's not quite within your grasp...or control.

And it's frustrating.

On Mother's Day, my thoughts were torn between my own fabulous mother and mother-in-law and the fact that I'm trying to figure out my "place" in life. The future is exciting, but uncertain. And I'm growing weary of uncertainty.

I think my frustration can be summed up best by a little anecdote...

My cute cousin Ashley who is very precocious, came up to me about a year and half ago and said:

"Are you a mom?"

"No" - I replied.

With a puzzled look on her face she then asked: "Are you a kid?"

"No," I replied again.

Even more puzzled she looked at me and then said: "So what are you?"

In her 6-year-old mind where the world is composed of two kinds of people: kids and parents, there was no room for me...an adult woman who wasn't a mom. How strange.

And recently, I've just sort of wondered the same thing, "What am I?"

Obviously there are lots of things I "am," but when you struggle with infertility, your vision is clouded by the one thing you are NOT - and that is a mother. It seems to be thrown in your face every day - and Mother's Day is perhaps the worst of them all. Another reminder of what you are not.

Someday, I know I will be a mother. I hope sooner rather than later. And everything inside of me is driving me to reach that goal - however hard it may be. Until then, reminders of what you cannot be are just hard.

That's the end of my story.

And to not be a complete downer, I want to let my mom and mother-in-law and grandmas know how much I love and appreciate their influence in my life. They have been there through everything, and especially this most recent trial. Without them, it would be unbearable.

Love you all. Good things are on the horizon.